Movie: Horrible Bosses

Posted By: Omri Kruvi

I would be lying if I said this movie wasn't funny, but I would also be reviewing it, which, as you well know, is not what we do here, so I'm not gonna say it. Look at that, I've avoided lying AND reviewing in just one simple act of not saying something, and that feels good. You wanna feel good? Read this article and you'll see what it feels like to be a real Hollywood insider. What're you, too good for Hollywood? Oh, you're more of a New York kinda person? Look, whatever.

ITEM #1: E-MAIL CORRESPONDENCE

This e-mail conversation was recovered from an office computer by a disgruntled Warner Bros. employee, and it occurred between Director Seth Gordon and Chief Editor Peter Teschner.

From: “Seth Gordon” <beardlover@yahoo.com>

Petey,

What the hell, man!! I just watched the final cut of the film and every single sex scene is gone. What happened?!?! You know we have a Nipple-Screen-Time quota to meet so that we can actually get an audience. Now who’s gonna want to see this movie!! You better have a damn good explanation for this, it’s the reason Sudeikis’ role even exists. So you explain to me why the scene with the girl at the bar was cut, and the scene with Jennifer Aniston, and the scene with Julie Brown!!

You’re killing me Petey, you’re killing me!

All the best,

Sethmaster

From: “Peter Teshcner” <jordan23rulez@neverforget.net>

Seth,

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this and I’m sorry you have not been memo-ed in regards to the sex scenes. My editing team did try to use the scenes, however there was a problem with each one of them that made them unusable.

The first of which is a personal issue: I asked you to allow my sister to be an extra, I did not want her to be the “one night stand girl” at the bar. I had to edit a sex scene consisting of Jason Sedaikas, a big black dildo, and my own sister. In my traumatized state, I burned the film and jammed sharpies into my eyes. Sorry I could not get on board with that one.

The second scene was of Aniston, which believe me had potential, however, Aniston’s bush was simply too big to even see Jason Sadikeas in any of the shots, which made it difficult to understand if there was even anyone else in the room with her.

The final scene with Julie Brown was also promising, however, she would not stop screaming, and I quote “this is my biggest career booster since Happy Gilmore” which we found to be irrelevant and confusing to an audience. We thought about simply taking out the audio, but even then you would still be able to clearly read her lips mouthing, “I fucking love you, Adam Sandler!”

I apologize that none of these worked out Seth, I hope our movie can survive on good comedy alone.

With Love,

Pete

P.S I would appreciate if you stopped the Remember the Titans references, no one even calls me Petey.

From: “Seth Gordon” <beardlover@yahoo.com>

Petey,

I admire your hard work. Sorry about your hott sister. I do request that you send me the other scenes though for my personal file.

Adieu,

Seth

P.S How many feet are in a mile?!?

ITEM #2: SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE

The Warner Bros. Studios prop department recently revamped their security systems in light of some recent robberies. This conversation between propmaster Anthony Sonniston and assistant director Hershel "Flick" Fickerly was recorded on March 17, 2011.

ITEM #3: TEXTING CONVERSATION

The following conversation, via text-message, occurred between the casting directors of the film, Lisa Beach and Sarah Katzman. It took place during their final meeting with film director, Seth Gordon.

Sarah Katzman:

Shit shit Lisa!! 

We havnt cast the part of the dentist lady yet!! 

Effffff

Lisa Beach:

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. How did we forget!?!?!? 

Ballz. 

what did Anne Hathaway say?

Ughh that bitch said shes above us now that shes hosted da Oscars. 

Whata stuck up twat.

LOL who does she think she is Meryl Streep!!! 

What did Meryl say by the way?!

Oh she was really excited about it and then remembered shes an actress.

Righto. 

Has haley responded to ya?

Joel Osment? Honestly, he wants it a bit too much and its kinda freakin me out.

Ewwwwwww 

also ew did you see that booger just fall into seth’s water glass?! 

Vom sesh.

Blegh! Well were pretty effed right now 

seth is about to ask us who we got to play this humiliating role that no one wants.

Seriously, who is so desperate that they would be willing to be 

completely used as a sex object without any redeeming qualities… 

I’d sign on to Gigli 2 before this shiz.

Aniston?

Genius!! 

The perfect mix of desperate and star power, 

and probs her last chance to show off those has-been tits of hers